Confessions of a Former Emo

It has been soooo long since I’ve last written about how I feel. Those good old days of keeping a personal journal, when blogging was unheard of. Oooops, I’m giving away my age. What the heck, its just a number. I am a 33 year old (turning 34 in a few weeks!) married woman (happily!) with a 13 year old son (a Rennaissance man in the making). Well since you are a math whiz, you computed it right. I got married 19 and gave birth at 20

Aside from homeschooling my son (for 7 years now), I am also a professor, and a wifey. Oh not to forget, I still mange to do housework, cook, clean, laundry (washing machine), name it… I am lethal combination of hyperactivity disorder and obsessive compulsiveness. My tentacles are full. And I have yet to beat a blogging deadline! Thanks to my dear amigas who got me into this… you know who you are ladies =)

Gosh, the only thing I get to compose nowadays are lecture presentations to my students and communications with other faculty and departments. Kinalawang na ako! I feel so awkward and dyahe writing about how I feel and what I am going thru. Hahaha, guess I am not so “emo” anymore like I was back in college. When I would brood to death about my miserable existence, feeling detached from society like they are a bunch of shallow idiots, wearing my cut-off jeans and boots, pouring my heart out in my journal, doodling with abstract “art”, while listening to Edie Brickel’s “What I am” and “Angry Chair” of Alice in Chains. Dark, dark days when God did not exist for me. I figured just a few weeks ago that I was actually an emo. An epiphany that dawned on me while I was having a conversation with my son Kurt about our music during the 90s (As a child, I grew up with my parents who love reminiscing about their generation and comparing how theirs is much better than the present. I am no different now). I was really DEEP into myself and how I feel.

I guess it all changed when I got married and became a mom. All of a sudden I did not have the time nor the energy to sit and brood. Having my own family literally pushed me to stop indulging in myself. Man, it IS hard work. Keeping a fireproof marriage and raising up a son really does require a belief in a higher being. It is really by a supernatural power that I am where I am now. My husband, Ian, would always say ” pupulutin nyo ako sa kangkunganngayon if I did not get married and met God”.

Though my life is NOT a bed of roses. I have a lot to be grateful for. I am in a better place now. My family is in a better place now. And I know that God IS bringing us to a an even better place. But then again, he never said there will be no trials. We are not fireproof for nothing, right?

I am in one trial by fire season right now. I actually feel very “emo” now, blogging my heart out, exposing myself. I am down and shaken. I came from my doctor this afternoon and learned I have two different kinds of un-treatable but manageable illnesses (what the?!). It is definitely non-contagious and not a threat to my life (whew!). Doctor also scheduled me to take a mammogram next week. I am high risk for breast cancer. My grandma and my aunt both have it, two brave women who I love dearly. I am scared and anxious as hell. Oh, how I fall in and out of faith and fear, and in between. Yes, I am emotional right now. But gone are the dark brooding days. Instead, I ask for peace that transcends ALL understanding. I realize that there are a lot of fallen things in this world. A lot of things that are beyond my control. I surrender that I do not need to instantly understand and figure out stuff that I go through. I do not want to second guess. My God is not a god of instant gratification. He is concerned about developing my character and emotional intelligence.

Thy will be done, Lord.

Ahhh, how I have forgotten how therapeutic writing can be.
I actually feel much better now.
I hope you do too.

Thank you for stretching yourself, reading through my verbal diarrhea.

P.S.
Hey, share with me too stuff that occupy your thoughts right now.