Finding my Center

It's December once again... I can't help but feel warm and fuzzy inside. Not because of the 13th month pay (though I am oh soooo grateful for it!), nor the gift giving, and the Christmas celebrations. One might say it is probably the age that is why I do not delight as much in such things as I used to. The age factor may be partly true. But the greater reason is, I find this the best time to quiet the noise of the crowd.

TO NOT MISS OUT CHRISTMAS. 


To not go ahead faster than the grace I am provided with for the day. I just love the revelation behind the story of how Mary and Joseph accidentally left Jesus in the temple. They have travelled for days already when they realized Jesus was not with them. They had to retrace their steps all the way back to the temple to find him. A lot of times I find myself in that same situation. I am such a worldly, practical person, whose work engine just keeps on churning without thinking or sensing at times if this is indeed the work calling for the hour. Like an Energizer bunny, I just keep going, and going, and going... To work, just for works sake. 
Are you like Mary and Joseph (and me), with all your good and practical intentions to live a meaningful life, left Jesus in the temple? Or are you like Martha? Who fussed over being a good host to Jesus and his company, yet failed to do the most important thing that will please her guest… to stay and spend time with him. How I fall short everyday. Like Martha, it has become my second nature to fuss and organize. Like Mary and Joseph, I go ahead faster than the grace and leading of God for I follow the noise of the crowd, not his voice.

There is so much noise around. All the well-meaning merrymaking and bright lights may have dimmed the true nature of Christmas. God chose a quiet night and the humblest of places, and people, as the setting for the birth of his only son. It is in the quiet when we truly hear and feel God. It is in the quiet and stillness when we can look up the sky to admire the bright morning star, and perhaps chance upon a falling star.

It is in the quiet and stillness when clarity of thought happens. 
It is in the quiet and stillness when we are able to connect with the heartbeat of God and his creation. 


Christmas is the best time to find our center. 
Christmas is our time in the manger. In quiet humility. 


To gaze upon the beauty of the child born unto us. 
To hide in our hearts the purpose of his birth. 
To receive the most precious gift anyone could ever give us.  
At no cost to us, but all at the expense of the giver. 


SHEER GIFT, not the wages of my labor. 
Not something to strive for. 
The gift of Christmas. 


It is a relief that we do not need to work for God's love and salvation. For I know that I cannot possibly work out saving myself from my rotten, fussing self. That I cannot keep from sinning even though in my heart I wish to be good. My works, abilities, good intentions, accomplishments, and relationships cannot save me. It cannot fulfill me as well. For they are all rotten and filthy rags, coated with good intentions, filled with selfish motives. 

SHEER GIFT is what He gives us. 

He loves us. 

As is, where is. 

Flaws and all. 

His gift is pure joy! 

Receiving the gift of Christmas, quiet and unassuming... it is the most beautiful and wonderful thing. 

A joyful and warm Christmas to everyone.

O, Great Daughter of Kings

I can't help but be moved to tears and laugh
with what my son gifted me with for my birthday.

Kurt can really do wonders with words.
Of course, who else will say so,
none other than the stage mother.
Bow.


My Mother
by Kurt Izak Mapua-Cabanilla

O, great daughter of kings
Far lovelier than many rings
Of her, many tales are told
For she is like a hero of old

Endlessly she cleans the house
A sight of dirt and she will rouse
Dust will cower and hide in fear
As she wields her broom like a spear

No room is left unfurnished
Nor a speck of dirt go unpunished

Wisdom rests upon her brow
Seeds of knowledge she will sow
Many look to her as their leader
For she is a wise and patient teacher

Inside the kitchen she prepares a meal
With skillful hands she works with zeal
Upon a table the food is set
and lo!
the taste is that of legend

O, great daughter of kings
You soar high with mighty wings
Your heart is noble and just
The hope and encouragement that spring forth from your lips
O, they shall never rust

How remarkable you truly are!

O, great daughter of kings.

Confessions of a Former Emo

It has been soooo long since I’ve last written about how I feel. Those good old days of keeping a personal journal, when blogging was unheard of. Oooops, I’m giving away my age. What the heck, its just a number. I am a 33 year old (turning 34 in a few weeks!) married woman (happily!) with a 13 year old son (a Rennaissance man in the making). Well since you are a math whiz, you computed it right. I got married 19 and gave birth at 20

Aside from homeschooling my son (for 7 years now), I am also a professor, and a wifey. Oh not to forget, I still mange to do housework, cook, clean, laundry (washing machine), name it… I am lethal combination of hyperactivity disorder and obsessive compulsiveness. My tentacles are full. And I have yet to beat a blogging deadline! Thanks to my dear amigas who got me into this… you know who you are ladies =)

Gosh, the only thing I get to compose nowadays are lecture presentations to my students and communications with other faculty and departments. Kinalawang na ako! I feel so awkward and dyahe writing about how I feel and what I am going thru. Hahaha, guess I am not so “emo” anymore like I was back in college. When I would brood to death about my miserable existence, feeling detached from society like they are a bunch of shallow idiots, wearing my cut-off jeans and boots, pouring my heart out in my journal, doodling with abstract “art”, while listening to Edie Brickel’s “What I am” and “Angry Chair” of Alice in Chains. Dark, dark days when God did not exist for me. I figured just a few weeks ago that I was actually an emo. An epiphany that dawned on me while I was having a conversation with my son Kurt about our music during the 90s (As a child, I grew up with my parents who love reminiscing about their generation and comparing how theirs is much better than the present. I am no different now). I was really DEEP into myself and how I feel.

I guess it all changed when I got married and became a mom. All of a sudden I did not have the time nor the energy to sit and brood. Having my own family literally pushed me to stop indulging in myself. Man, it IS hard work. Keeping a fireproof marriage and raising up a son really does require a belief in a higher being. It is really by a supernatural power that I am where I am now. My husband, Ian, would always say ” pupulutin nyo ako sa kangkunganngayon if I did not get married and met God”.

Though my life is NOT a bed of roses. I have a lot to be grateful for. I am in a better place now. My family is in a better place now. And I know that God IS bringing us to a an even better place. But then again, he never said there will be no trials. We are not fireproof for nothing, right?

I am in one trial by fire season right now. I actually feel very “emo” now, blogging my heart out, exposing myself. I am down and shaken. I came from my doctor this afternoon and learned I have two different kinds of un-treatable but manageable illnesses (what the?!). It is definitely non-contagious and not a threat to my life (whew!). Doctor also scheduled me to take a mammogram next week. I am high risk for breast cancer. My grandma and my aunt both have it, two brave women who I love dearly. I am scared and anxious as hell. Oh, how I fall in and out of faith and fear, and in between. Yes, I am emotional right now. But gone are the dark brooding days. Instead, I ask for peace that transcends ALL understanding. I realize that there are a lot of fallen things in this world. A lot of things that are beyond my control. I surrender that I do not need to instantly understand and figure out stuff that I go through. I do not want to second guess. My God is not a god of instant gratification. He is concerned about developing my character and emotional intelligence.

Thy will be done, Lord.

Ahhh, how I have forgotten how therapeutic writing can be.
I actually feel much better now.
I hope you do too.

Thank you for stretching yourself, reading through my verbal diarrhea.

P.S.
Hey, share with me too stuff that occupy your thoughts right now.